Today is Christmas Day.  And this year — in the days leading up to today I’ve been thinking a great deal of the importance of finding, giving, and receiving PEACE.  A stillness within oneself – a reassurance and support we can give to another so hopefully they can find it for themself, or the acceptance of it’s offering from one that has wronged us in the past.

But the road to peace begins with the search for forgiveness.

I just finished Paulo Coelho’s “Aleph,” a few weeks ago.  The book was an incredible journey that dealt with the unresolved karma we carry with us from lifetime to lifetime, and how we are given the opportunity — within each life we live, to understand and resolve this conflict.  The most poignant moment in the story takes place within an old Russian Church, between Coelho and a much younger woman, a musician named Hilal — a woman he comes to realize he knew and greatly wronged in a life lived over 500 years ago.  He asks for her forgiveness — but only aware of her present life, which has only been tortured and difficult.  She looks inward, and delivers her forgiveness with these powerful words…

“I forgive the tears I was made to shed,

I forgive the pain and the disappointments,

I forgive the betrayals and lies,

I forgive the slanders and intrigues,

I forgive the hatred and the persecution,

I forgive the blows that hurt me,

I forgive the wrecked dreams,

I forgive the stillborn hopes,

I forgive the hostility and jealousy,

I forgive the indifference and ill will,

I forgive the injustices carried out by others in the name of justice,

I forgive the anger and the cruetly,

I forgive the neglect and contempt,

I forgive the world and all its evils.”

She goes on to add…

“I forgive myself.  May the misfortunes of the past no longer way on my heart.  Instead of pain and resentment, I CHOOSE understanding and compassion.  Instead of rebellion, I CHOOSE the music from my violin.  Instead of grief, I CHOOSE forgetting.  Instead of vengenace, I CHOOSE victory.

I will be capable of loving, regardless of whether I am loved in return,

of giving, even when I have nothing,

of working happily, even in the  midst of difficulties,

Of holding out my hand, even when I feel utterly alone and abandoned,

Of drying my tears, even while I weep,

Of believing, even when no one believes in me.

So it is.  So it will be.”

This moment in the story sent chills through me — maybe and hopefully you felt something similar as you read this.  I put the book down for awhile, closed it’s cover, and thought about these words.  Not what it meant to the characters in the story, but what it meant to me and then more importantly how it could be useful to others I know (or don’t know) who are struggling in one way or another.   I realize that forgiveness in itself is an art-form — a grace found in one’s way, how they view, appreciate, accept, and lead their life. But beyond this, I realize that forgiveness all too often is something we seek from or give to another.  It’s an external act.  This passage reminded me of the amazing courage it takes to forgive oneself.

Life brings with it it’s burdens – whether real or more often imagined — feelings of guilt, resentment, frustration, desperation and failure in our past or hopelessness when we look at a future far from the one we imagined for ourselves.  If not understood and dealt with, these wounds we inflict upon ourselves will only continue to eat away at us.  This time of year causes most of us to look back at not just the past year — but the depth of our lived life and…judge.  This year, or even today, look back not with judgement but forgiveness – let something or someone go.

Our happiness is the greatest gift we can not only give to ourselves…but to others as well.

Specifically as Americans — for the last 150 years or so we follow a Darwinian code.  This could otherwise be labeled as SCIENTIFIC MATERIALISM.  The subject itself is pretty complex but briefly stated — S.M. has four basic “rules.”

1.)  Only Matter Matters — the physical world we see is all there is.

2.)  Survival of the Fittest — Nature favors the strongest individuals, and the Law of the Jungle.  According to Darwinism — this is the Natural Law.

3.)  It’s in Your Genes — we are victims of our biologically inherited genes and the best we can even hope for is that science finds a way to compensate for our flaws and deficiencies.

4.)  Evolution is Random — life is random, un-controllable, and purposeless.  We got here by chance, and what we do with our “potential” is completely a condition of our genes, environment, and random chance.

Scientific materialism promotes several guiding reactions, subconsciously in my opinion — but they drive our conscious actions without us ever recognizing the motivating factors.  First is FEAR — fear of the unknown and what or who is different, fear of falling behind, failing, getting sick or being attacked by external forces.  Second is OBJECTIFICATION — this is a strong form of materialism, where we not only think we need money, material possessions to survive, but we literally treat people in the very same manner.  We look at them for what “value” they have to us — as if they’re stocks, we’re constantly grading, analyzing and objectifying them.  When we don’t get what we want from them or see no value to us in their presence we either discard our relationship to them or at its worst — we attack them.  This is survival of the fittest in living action.  Third is COMPETITION — now competition can be very healthy, as can conflict, it can make our circumstances better because it challenges us greatly and forces us to grow.  But competition in the modern world, driven by fear and objectification means that we don’t find other like-minded individuals to work in coordination with to realize our goals and dreams, but instead find the ways in which we can keep others down as we succeed — we go into an attack mode. The Fourth reaction is APATHY — the first three  make us erratic, suspicious, fervent, and in the end to get what we think we want in this manner — we are left utterly alone and incapable of changing our circumstances, environment, or relationships.  We’re only here by chance and we have no control over the cards we’ve been dealt, so why bother?  This is hopelessness and despair. And in my opinion, this is the only place that Scientific Materialism can lead us to.

Use these four precepts, and the four guiding reactions as an explanation for modern bullying.  It’s not enough to fear what or who is different, but it is the practice of the modern bully to outwardly attack and drive away that perceived threat.  What a bully craves is status, acceptance, popularity.  That is their currency.  To achieve this in a materialistic world, one must show social dominance to get to the top of the hierarchical food chain.  So they will keep hurting others to get to the top, their natural empathy eroding more and more as they go there.  But then at the top, when they’ve achieved their goals — ironically enough what are they?  ALONE.  And they’re now paranoid, hateful, distrustful.  Why?  Studies show that bullies are actually more insecure than those they bully — because subconsciously they recognize “if I had to do this to get here, that means it can be done to me.”  They understand how it works, and also know that others will be looking for revenge.  Those they have managed to collect as “friends” as their status climbed are constantly looking for their weaknesses – a point or position where they can be attacked.

A bully’s greatest fear is being bullied.

So here’s my counterpoint — an opposition to Scientific Materialism.  The best way to come into it is to use Age of Enlightenment philosopher Thomas Hobbes nine precepts of NATURAL LAW:

1.)  Seek peace first, use war only as a last resort.

2.)  Be willing to offer the same freedom to others as you wish for oneself.

3.)  Keep your agreements.

4.)  Practice gratitude – of others, the Earth, and your own spirit (I added these for clarity)

5.)  Accomodate your own needs to the laws of the community.

6.)  As appropriate, forgive those who repent.

7.)  In the case of revenge, focus not on the great evil of the past, but the greater good to follow.

8.)  Never declare hatred of another.

9.)  Acknowledge the equality of others.

Clearly Hobbes’ definition of Natural Law is very different from Darwin’s.  These 9 precepts lead the individual to live in harmony with nature and others, instead of opposition.  It is a re-establishment of some kind of personal control over the psyche, spirit, and the surrounding environment and whatever circumstances it may create or place in one’s way.  It is an offering of internal peace by means of external understanding, compassion, and patience.

Living life by these precepts turn the four guiding reactions of above upside down.  Fear is removed from every situation, because you realize that the manufacturer of that fear is yourself.  If you can create it, you can also remove it.  Objectification is now eradicated for instead of seeing others as THINGS you see them as mirrors of yourself.  You naturally find the ways that you are like them instead of how you are different.  You find it easy to talk, connect with, empathize and share with others because they are like you and you are like them.  Competition is now healthy and natural.  You find others that have similar goals and you band together selflessly for a mission that is greater than the wants or perceived needs of any of you as individuals.  Instead of you vs. someone else, it’s now you and many others working together for a cause – the betterment of the world at large.  And last but not least – apathy.  It no longer exists.  There is never despair or hopelessness because you know you’re never alone, you’ve created your own resource of unending inner strength always to be fed and harnessed when needed.  You realize that YOU can change your circumstances or environment anytime you want to, all you have to do is have the courage to do it — it’s all yours, whoever you want to be and whatever you want to do — service to others is the greatest service to oneself.

So now equipped with this information — which do you choose?  How do you want to live your life?  Despite what you may have been told, or may have told yourself — that question CAN BE answered by you, it’s in your control.  We can’t control everything that happens to us, but we can control how we react to it.

Again, what do you choose…?

Ask anyone that’s ever ridden over the Golden Gate Bridge, and they’ll tell you what an extraordinary experience it is.  It’s one of the most recognizable architectural achievements in the world.   It’s also the site of more suicides than any other bridge in the world — the topic of a well-known, haunting documentary called “The Bridge.”

There’s a story about a man in San Francisco that decides one night…that he’s going to kill himself.  Much like many other suicides, he prepares a note to “explain” before he leaves his home and goes to The Bridge.  In that note, he writes that if one person on his way…just one person, says “Hello” to him, that he will turn around, go home, and wake up tomorrow to go to work…just like any other day.

This note was found in the man’s home several days after his death.  No one said anything to him.

The very same day I heard this story, I heard another story…one on the very opposite end of the spectrum.  It starts with a teenager and an observation she made one night, while she was driving home.  Here’s that story, in her own words…

“I was driving home from my youth group one night and I glanced in my rear view mirror while stopped at train tracks, and realized the person in the car behind me was crying. She was alone in the car and she looked so upset. I wanted to reach out so badly, send her a message, something, to let her know everything would be alright. I had a vision of You Are Loved being painted on the back of my car and that, if it was, it would make her day. On my way home I started to think how many people that one, small, thing would help. It struck me how many more people would be touched if I got more people to participate, so I made it my personal mission. When I got home I started to brain storm and that was about three months before this website was launched. “

That web site is www.youareloved.co.   Fueled by the site she created, Nicole Pastore has made it her mission to brighten the day of someone she doesn’t know, strangers she may never meet.  The idea is simple, but poignant — a movement that encourages others (mostly kids) to use random acts of kindness to lift the spirits of others.  Each  month, a mission is posted — whether it’s writing out messages of support or encouragement and handing them out to strangers, or writing the message out on a giant sign to place in a public place like a school or street side.

But the details of the act itself is not what gives it meaning…it’s the motivation behind it, the subtle influence it has that struck me.  If you go onto www.youareloved.co and read their calendar of events for the rest of this year, full of little missions such as “finding a way to genuinely compliment someone you know is insecure,” or “finding someone that is unhappy or seems sad and telling them that ‘they are loved,” it forces all of us to be aware of those around us and to think of ways that we can make a positive connection with them.   Maybe from there, they’ll do the same for someone else, and so on and so forth.  And that’s what is so remarkable about Nicole’s mission, that just by reading her story, she compels each of us to be more empathetic.

What is very clear, is that if that man walking to the Golden Gate Bridge that day had crossed paths with this young woman, or someone touched by her mission he’d probably still be here, and he’d probably go out of his way to tell some other stranger that they weren’t alone and they were loved.

Please find out how you can join Nicole’s mission at www.youareloved.co. 

One year ago today, Rutgers University Freshman Tyler Clementi took his own life.

Anniversaries always have a significance.  They force us to take a look back — to remember where we were and who we were at a certain point in our own history.  They also challenge us to remember what the world around us was like at on that day and in that moment.  If we reflect deeply enough, we think about how things have changed since that time — either in the way of progress, or sometimes unfortunately we realize only regression.

1 Year ago today, 18 year old Tyler Clementi committed suicide by jumping off of the George Washington Bridge.  At the time, he was a talented violinist full of potential.  He was a Freshman at Rutgers University for not even a month…and he was gay.

Much like in the case of any suicide, it’s dangerous and flat-out incorrect to simplify the reasons for the act, but the story that would engulf this young man’s memory would make two fellow Freshmen the villains.  Dharum Ravi was his new roommate and Molly Wei was his friend.  They hid a web cam in the room Ravi shared with Clementi, and captured footage of him making out with another boy.  They decided to broadcast this footage over the internet for anyone to see, and tweeted about it to get extra attention.

Several days later, Tyler Clementi killed himself.

What Tyler didn’t know at the time of his death, nor did anyone else, is that his story would spearhead a complex and controversial international debate about how we treat each other, the haunting consequences of bullying, the depths of teen depression, and the ugly issue of homophobia.

In March of 2011, President Obama gave a speech at the nation's first Annual Anti-Bullying Summit

In the months to follow, these issues would come to the very forefront of not only American society, but politics as well.  President Obama’s Anti-Bullying Summit in March would draw unprecedented attention to federal anti-bullying initiatives and would try to bring some semblance of control and order to a fiery national debate.  State legislatures would start enacting tough anti-bullying laws and policies, none stricter than in Clementi’s home…here in New Jersey.

Students in High Schools and Colleges all across America would hold vigils in Clementi’s honor and anti-bullying and anti-homophobia protests.  Within each American home, these topics would become typical discussion at the dinner table…with questions such as, “What is bullying?” or “What is sexting?” sparking vague discussion. There is no equation to bullying, or clean definition — the issue is complex, ugly, and undefinable.  Those involved in a heated confrontation are often so immersed that they don’t know they even are bullying, or possibly adding fuel to its fire.  One thing is always for sure though…the victim always knows exactly what role they’ve been cast in.

For me personally, this tragedy took on a greater significance.  As a filmmaker, one of the topics and subjects I’ve innately always focused my work on is the causes and consequent overcoming of depression.  I too am a Rutgers graduate, and things I was witnessing around me during my sophomore year inspired me to use that summer to write the film “Wasteland.” The film’s story focused on four characters struggling with issues of identity, loss, and love in the modern college landscape — one of which would ultimately take their own life.  At the time, nobody had webcams, texting was still fairly new, and Facebook and Twitter where nowhere to be found.

Then, in 2008 I was given the great privilege of writing and directing the film “Sticks & Stones,” which dealt with the then, fairly new issue of cyberbullying — and how one average boy’s life would be shredded by a torrent of relentless attacks from the students he shared his days with.

It’s fairly safe to say, that throughout the last decade of my life I’ve used whatever creative talent I’ve been given to address these issues.

Rutgers is my school, New Jersey is my home.  I wasn’t just saddened, I was angry.  I felt like it shouldn’t happen here.  The truth is, it shouldn’t happen ANYWHERE.

I’ve dedicated much of the last year trying to develop new ways to prevent this type of tragedy from happening.  Working with other individuals now just as dedicated to this mission, we’re finding ways to confront the issues kids like Tyler feel they are all alone with at an end that is so tragically premature.

A year since his death I wonder how much we’ve really learned — and I challenge you to consider that we all, still have far to go.   In today’s America, it seems we rush to quick judgments and easy, neat solutions to complex issues.   We choose to wait and react to a situation (which often turns into a dramatic overreaction), instead of anticipating and being preventative.  We race to find the cause and effect, such as.. A gay boy was bullied so he killed himself, or the best way to beat a bully is to ignore him, or punch him in the mouth.  Case closed, right?  We want the assurance that we understand everything there is to know about an issue because we read one article or watch one CNN special, but we don’t.  We look for the external causes of and reasons for tragedy without ever looking inward to consider what WE could be doing to effect the greater issue for the better.

This week at CWE, our Advisory Board met to discuss where the organization is going, the issues we are compelled to take on, and what our programs are going to do to confront them.    In the middle of it, we came to the discussion of what part we could all play in CHANGE.  One of our board members shared a parable about two fisherman at a river…

*         *        *

In the middle of their peaceful work, two fisherman notice a child floating downstream, he’s struggling against the current and without their intervention — he’ll surely drown.  The first fisherman dives into the river and rescues the boy.  They resume fishing.  A little while later, there is another child.  This time the second fisherman dives in and rescues this child.  They again resume fishing.  An hour passes before they discover another drowning child, struggling to survive against the current.  The first fisherman, dives into the river and rescues this child.  Exasperated, and with this child in tow, the fisherman returns to the shore.  He discovers his friends’ rod on the ground and looks up the bank to see that the second fisherman is walking away.  He calls out to his friend, “where are you going?”  The other fisherman turns and calls back, “to see what’s going on upstream.”

*          *        *

Right now, Tyler Clementi should be a sophomore at Rutgers.  He should still be creating music, he should be discovering the person he’s supposed to become.  He shouldn’t be stuck in an inescapable moment, he should be imagining the future he wants for himself.  He should know that no matter what he’s dealing with, that he’s never alone.

Everyone should know this.

Maybe during our next national discussion on “bullying,” we should forget about the laws, penalties, and proposed repercussions and think about this simple idea.  It’s not something a government can provide, but it is something a society can.  But it means that each and every one of us has to stop focusing on the struggle in front of us and instead stopping and start searching for the reasons upstream.

I encourage you to tell us what you’re doing to confront bullying in your own life.  Sign up to join our mission at www.facebook.com/cweducation and tell us your story.

Filed under: Teen Depression and Suicide ]]> http://chasewilsoneducation.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/a-sophomore-at-rutgers/feed/ 0 chasewilsoneducation _49317506_tyler_facebook 0310-obama-bullies_full_600 http://chasewilsoneducation.wordpress.com/2011/09/16/how-to-save-a-life-alyssa-petillos-story/ http://chasewilsoneducation.wordpress.com/2011/09/16/how-to-save-a-life-alyssa-petillos-story/#comments Fri, 16 Sep 2011 19:14:18 +0000 Dan Fabrizio http://chasewilsoneducation.wordpress.com/?p=258 ]]> What is “a calling?”  Maybe it’s a specific purpose; an intuitive sense of direction coupled with an innate ability to focus on an imaginary path as if it were always there — as solid as stone.  Some people just have it, and when you meet one of them you can instantly sense it.  If you met Alyssa Petillo and talked to her for just a few minutes about the things she’s already done in eighteen years of life, you’d recognize pretty quickly that she’s got “it.”

“That’s just my daughter,” Collette added with a slight shrug at the end of her story.   She seems used to Alyssa’s activities and endeavors by now.  Her daughter’s always on the move, energetic and seemingly always excited about what she’s talking to you about – especially when it’s the things that motivate her the most in life.  She’s passionate about people; getting involved in projects with them and working tirelessly until they meet their shared goal. She’s not scattered or easily-distracted; she’s focused, and when she starts something she does her best to follow through and finish it.  “That’s just the way my parents brought me up,” she says.

At Park Ridge High School, Alyssa was always in the middle of things.  She was…

• A Peer Mediator; working towards creating a bias-free environment and helping students resolve their issues with each other in a non-hostile way.

•  The President of Students Against Destructive Drunk Driving (S.A.D.D.); organizing and running events such as “Red Ribbon Week,” and “Grim Reaper Day.”

•  The Co-Founder of the Gay/Straight Alliance; an organization offering support to students in a homophobia-free school environment.

She said the motivation for creating the Gay/Straight Alliance came from, “a friend of mine wanted to come out, but she was afraid of what people would say or do.”  This was Alyssa’s way of letting that friend know that she not only supported her friend’s decision, but also – that she had her back.  Once the organization was created, they found a tremendous amount of support for it from the other students.

During her sophomore year, Alyssa met a girl not much older than her that was an EMT.  “She was wearing her uniform, and just looked so confident and sure of herself,” is what Alyssa remembers the most.  She went home and told Collette, “Mom, I want to be an EMT.”  Collette wasn’t surprised, and encouraged Alyssa to pursue it.

Alyssa underwent 131 hours of training and classes to pass her state certification exam and went on to join the local Tri-Boro First Aid Squad.  The decision was a “perfect fit,” for Alyssa who said about the experience, “the thing I like the most about being an EMT is the rush that I get when the pager goes off.  My mind switches into a different mode and I can’t wait to help others.”

On October 10^th, of 2010 Alyssa didn’t just help someone, she saved their life.  Responding to a cardiac arrest call, Alyssa and her crew discovered an elderly woman that was completely unresponsive.  Having to think and act quickly, Alyssa used all of her knowledge to resuscitate this woman – who is still alive to this very day. 10/10/10 will always be an important day for her, a reminder of not only what she’s done, but what she’s always capable of accomplishing.

In the Spring of 2011, Alyssa was awarded the Caron Youth Leadership Award for all of her outstanding work in her school and community.  Coming towards the end of her Senior Year at Park Ridge, this accomplishment is the perfect conclusion to Alyssa’s High School career.

In May of 2011, Alyssa was awarded the Caron Award for Youth Leadership.

Now attending DeSales University in Eastern, Pennsylvania – Alyssa plans to become a Physician’s Assistant after college.  While there though, it’s highly unlikely that Alyssa will keep a low profile.  She has all kinds of plans and ambitions – interested in joining the local Red Cross chapter and inspiring her fellow underclassmen to do the same.  She also plans to take the necessary state certifications in Pennsylvania to become an EMT there as well, once she “gets settled and comfortable with school.”  When it comes to what she’ll accomplish at college, most likely – this is only the very beginning.

“The feeling that I get when I help someone get better or I’m there for them is incredible,” she said, “it truly cannot be put into words.”  Based on what we learned, this quote’s a perfect fit for Alyssa – she doesn’t wait for others, nor does she need to talk about what she does or what she plans to do – she just acts.  And her actions make a positive difference in the lives of those around her.

 That’s why Alyssa Petillo is a Change-Maker. 

At Chase Wilson Education our primary focus is to raise awareness for the most threatening issues students face, while simultaneously educating them on how to prevent, or when needed – confront these problems in an informed and direct way.  While our focus is on awareness and education, we never lose sight of the long-term goal.  Our mission and all of the programs we use to support it are designed to empower students to make safer decisions and beyond this – to be better people. 

 This is why we believe in recognizing and celebrating students for their strong character and compassionate influence.  These individuals are leaders in our opinion, students we can all learn valuable lessons from.  These individuals inspired us to create CWE’s “Change-Makers” Program. 

CHANGE-MAKERS are students (between the ages of 10-22) who through selfless and compassionate action inspire positive change in the world around them.

This program not only recognizes students who give back through community service or volunteer work but also individuals who through random acts of kindness, forgiveness, and understanding enrich the lives of people around them, inspiring other students to follow in their footsteps.   Change-Makers are students who strive to make their schools and communities better not for personal gain or academic success, but because they truly want to make their world a better place.  Some examples of their stories are…

•  A Student that stands up for a friend or classmate that is being bullied, despite the possible backlash.

•  A Student who creates a positive cause in their school or community, or gives selflessly to a worthy cause or movement.

•  A Student, who exemplifies through their action, a desire to connect, understand, or empathize with another individual or group that is very “different” from them.

•   A Student who contributes emotional support to a family, friend, or stranger in-need.

How The Program Works:

 Students, parents, family-members and friends, as well as school counselors and teachers can send an email to us either through www.cweducation.com or via our Facebook Fan Page:  www.facebook.com/cweducation, nominating an individual for recognition and briefly telling us, “why they should be considered a Change-Maker.”

At least once a quarter, members of CWE’s Advisory Board will review these submissions and select one student who will be recognized as the next “Change-Maker.”  This student and their story would be featured by CWE in the following ways…

•  A formal announcement would be posted during the first week of that month on CWE’s web site, Facebook Fan Page, and Twitter Page.

•  That student’s story would be shared on CWE’s Blog, explaining why that student is a “Change-Maker.”

•  A formal announcement would be sent out in CWE’s latest e-newsletter, informing sponsors, followers, and supporters of this student’s achievement.

•  At the end of that month, a short video vignette would be posted on CWE’s YouTube Channel featuring interviews with that student and others involved in their story.

•  Student would be recognized as a “Change-Maker” at all of CWE’s events and programs during that year.

•  Each “Change-Maker” will become immediately eligible for a $1,000.00 scholarship.

In September of each year, one “Change-Maker” will be announced as The “Change-Maker of the Year.”  CWE’s followers and supporters will be encouraged to review video stories of the 4-6 nominees on CWE’s Facebook Fan Page and vote for the student they feel is worthy of the distinction.

“The Change-Maker of the Year,” will be awarded the $1,000.00 scholarship and recognized for their accomplishment in all of CWE’s marketing efforts during the next year.

All nominees of every year will be invited to become decision-makers for the program in the next year, reviewing and voting for future quarterly and yearly “Change-Makers.”

If you know or think you are a Change-Maker tell us why.

An Image of a Human Brain showing activation areas of empathy as stimulated by reading a story.

Apparently, every time we read a story we activate a very complex network within the brain that not only allows us to visualize the scenario being described but intuitively “feel” the situation as if we were right in their shoes.  Imagining someone in a specific place or situation requires our brain to work harder — activating a greater spatial network.  The stronger the emotions evoked by the story, the greater the brain’s need to send signals throughout the body that create empathetic depth and complexity.

It’s interesting if you apply this theory to development and specifically to reinforcement in education.  It shows that there’ s an unmistakable emotional value to a powerful story.  And the more stories that are shared with us, the more people, places and situations we ask our brain to imagine.  Stories with greater complexity in character, plot depth and meaning can greatly affect not only the way we feel about those characters we’re imagining but people we will come into contact with after we put that book down for the day or leave that movie theater.

Much like any other muscle or skill, the less exposure we have to great stories the greater the decline in our individual ability to accurately empathize with the unique perspectives, plights, and positions of others.

Unfortunately, many people look at storytelling as a commodity…as a big business.  Complexity all too often traded for sameness and predictability.  But by eradicating our stories of their richness and depth we may also be robbing our children and generations to come of an important element of our humanity — the ability to see ourselves within others.  Mythologist Joseph Campbell believed that our stories were our shared dreams — myths full of rich lessons and great meaning that allowed us to understand ourselves and this world we all share better.  I wonder what he would think of this?  He’d probably think of a story, and would be eager to share it…

What was the last great story you heard, watched, or shared?

references:

eideneurolearningblog.blogspot.com/2011/09/stories-empathy-and-brain.html

The Center for Building a Culture of Empathy:  www.cultureofempathy.com

On Best-selling author Paulo Coelho’s Blog today he posted

Gandhi’s Top 10 Fundamentals for Changing The World. 

*          *         *

When we discuss the concept of change, like many other issues we look at problems external to us and how and why they should be “fixed.”  We judge, attack, criticize from an outside point-of-view the actions of other nations, cultures, and individuals.

What strikes me the most about Gandhi’s list is that his fundamentals for change all ask the reader to look inward first – to resolve inner-conflict, discover inner-peace, and in turn strengthening the self.

Lately, I’ve realized that the better I know myself the easier it is to see and understand the external world.  Seeing the motivations and desires that drive the actions of others is quicker and clearer.  But this clarity erodes as quickly as it blossoms if the commitment to self-discovery and inner-change ends.

With all of the anti-bullying work we do at Chase Wilson Education, we try and focus on strengthening the inner-confidence and understanding of the individual first – hoping that the change will permeate outward organically from there.  How effective could Gandhi’s Fundamentals be if introduced and taught properly to students?  And not as religious or spiritual rhetoric, but as cornerstones of mental and emotional skill-building?

But no matter the phase of development and growth each of us are at, this list seems to one that provides a great depth of wisdom and insight.  The striving for inner-strength and courage should be endless – and the best way to start “changing the world,” means looking deep down into the abyss of one’s self.  Unfortunately this action takes a great deal of courage.

I believe that change, must like the pursuit of happiness, cannot come from nor should be reflected by looking at external sources.  It starts within.

Gandhi’s Top 10 Fundamentals for Changing The World.

1. Change
“You must be the change you want to see in the world.”
“As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world – that is the myth of the atomic age – as in being able to remake ourselves.”

2. Control.
“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”

3. Forgiveness
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
“An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind.”

4. Action.
“An ounce of practice is worth more than tons of preaching.”

5. The present moment.
“I do not want to foresee the future. I am concerned with taking care of the present. God has given me no control over the moment following.”

6. Everyone is human.
“I claim to be a simple individual liable to err like any other fellow mortal. I own, however, that I have humility enough to confess my errors and to retrace my steps.”
“It is unwise to be too sure of one’s own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.”

7. Persist.
“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.”

8. Goodness.
“I look only to the good qualities of men. Not being faultless myself, I won’t presume to probe into the faults of others.”
“I suppose leadership at one time meant muscles; but today it means getting along with people.”

9. Truth
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
“Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well.”

10. Development.
“Constant development is the law of life, and a man who always tries to maintain his dogmas in order to appear consistent drives himself into a false position.”

Right now, all across the country new students are turning the page and starting a new chapter in their lives.  They’re now College Freshmen.

Being far away from home, living on your own and sharing space with many new strangers can be an exciting experience.  It can also be overwhelming, causing uncertainty and anxiety.

Here are some suggestions for all of you new Freshmen, that’ll help you ease into this new time in your life and get the most out of what can be a very fulfilling experience...

BEFORE YOU GO…

Visualize and draw upon past experiences that simulate the independence of college. 

(Sleepovers, camp, CYO or BBYO retreats, RYLA, summer sports camps, vacations, etc.)

•  Focus on these experiences, specifically paying particular attention to and remembering how they initially “freaked you out,” but at first but turned out fine.

Practice the behaviors that you’ll need in college. 

• doing your own laundry
• handling a check-book/credit card
• fixing your own meals

WHEN YOU GET THERE…

• Visualize the person you want to be — both academically and socially.  What do they look like, how do they talk, dress, act?  Focus on their confidence and accomplishments.

• Get involved!  Research the clubs and activities available on campus that will reinforce this view and make you most comfortable.  This is also a great way to find people like you and build solid relationships.

• Explore new interests and discover new ideas.  This is the time to explore the subjects and topics that have always interested you.

• Meet New People.  Engage in conversation, find common interests and encourage group activities.

• Prioritize.  nobody can do everything, and it’s easy to lose sight of classroom responsibilities

• Develop and stay connected with a support system (including guidance/counseling and peer counseling programs—especially at first)

• Expect Ups and Downs.  Don’t be driven by your emotions and get hung up in the moment-to-moment.  College is 4+ years and there will be many peaks and valleys.  If you have a bad day, focus on how you can make the next day better.

Most people look back on college as a great time in their life, where they meet new people and make lifelong friendships.  They learn a great deal about themselves, their interests, and discover the person they’ll become for the rest of their lives.  Enjoy yourself, but also be responsible for your actions and really think about the future you want for yourself.  Make this next chapter in your life one that you’ll always look back on proudly.

Students and parents each go through their own unique struggles which often occur simultaneously.  Some of the more common dynamics initially occur independently, but over time will reinforce and exacerbate the other.

For adolescents, the psychological preparation for separation (which begins in early childhood) will culminate in the actual physical separation following high school.  The series of gradual breaks from the family, leading to healthy independence and autonomy, serve as reassuring tests for kids to see that they can make it on their own.  These tests can be as seemingly insignificant as sleep-overs, weekend trips with friends’ families, getting involved in clubs, sports or other after school activities.  Larger tests include experiences like summer sleep-away camp, foreign exchange opportunities, school trips to Europe , and other youth leadership groups that involve overnights (Boy Scouts, RYLA, etc.).

The anticipation of the break from the family (especially for those who will be living on campus) creates conflicting needs: the need for autonomy vs. the need for family involvement and support.  In order to make the transition easier, children will sometimes interpret parental involvement as meddling.  They will interpret parental  suggestions as judgments and criticisms. They will interpret limit-setting as nit-picking and smothering.  This prepares students to leave the house thinking “I am so ready to leave” as opposed to “how I am going to make it on my own?”  There is a tendency for kids to exaggerate their sense of independence and competence while also exaggerating their perception of being treated like a child at home.  As students begin seeing themselves as more independent, they become increasingly sensitive (and resistant) to parental direction.  This is not the time that parents should stop parenting—it’s just the time that kids want it to stop.

Parents go through their own set of challenges in preparation for separation.  The realization that their child is about to move to a lifestyle requiring greater responsibility and independence can cause reactions ranging from mild apprehension to sheer panic.  The underlying fear is that the child is not ready; that we have not finished “parenting” the child to completion (i.e. perfection).  Issues pertaining to responsibility, decision-making, and accountability become paramount.  Any behaviors that seem indicative of irresponsibility, immaturity, and poor decision-making skills heighten the underlying fears.  Small examples of irresponsibility are interpreted through the larger, underlying fears.  This is usually why conflicts occur as parents are focusing on the larger issue and kids only see nit-picking and overreacting to a smaller issue.

The more kids pull away, the more parents see them as regressing and irresponsible and try to get more involved.  The more parents get involved and try to change their child’s behavior and help them grow, the more the kids pull away.

To resolve this counter-productive cycle, both parents and students must see what their real concerns are, and ideally be able to talk about the larger issues directly.

This is just one of the common transition difficulties that occur between parents and children.  What about the real procrastination related to applications?  What about the inability to decide on a school/location/program of study?  What about the general anxiety level? What about other causes of conflict at home?